Christmas is coming up. Why did I say that? Because I'm busting my ass making presents for my friends D: I've never hand-made presents for all of my friends. And I'll be honest, I feel kinda bad because I suck at hand-made stuff but... I'm poor. And it's the thought that counts, right? I love my friends and I don't care if they never wear what I'm making for them, I just want to give them something that I made specifically for them. That's whats' important to me this year.
I'm also trying to work really hard to get them done before X-mas but I fear that even if I get them all completed, my mom is going to be too lazy to take me to friends' houses to drop them off (haha!).
On a different note, my father (not my step dad, who is just my "dad") bought me an HD flatscreen tv for Christmas. This was a shock to me because he's never really been apart of my life, and then for him -someone who is almost a complete stranger to me- to buy me something as nice as a flatscreen tv... I'm just shocked. And I feel bad, really. I don't like it when people who aren't close to me (my mother pretty much : P) spend money on me, or spend time on making me something. It makes me sad. I also get nervous when receiving gifts for some reason. I feel awkward getting things from people. I guess I'm always worried I'll seem ungrateful...
I love breaks off from school, they give me time to focus on me, and being me, and building who I am as a person. It sounds weird, maybe even a little self-centered, but I tend to completely lose who I am when I'm in school, and I kind of revert back into this state of acting like a 12-year-old whenever I have school. Weekends and breaks however, I feel as though I can really figure out who I am, because I don't have to focus on school or anything else. I can just relax and be myself :3
Anyways... I find myself in an awkward internal situation o.o basically, I've been in a relationship with someone for the past two years. Now I'm single again and it just feels weird. I've been single for just a couple months and sometimes... I feel like I'm just going to die with this need to let out affection. It's weird, mostly because I've never viewed myself as an affectionate person. I don't really know if I want a relationship right now, since my last one was a total disaster and I don't want to chance discovering any scars. But yet... I find myself feeling little sparks of /something/ towards people I would normally not consider at all. I'm not worried about it, though. The events of these past few months have made me grow in personal strength and confidence more than I could possibly explain. I guess it's true, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger (ugh, I hate that song). Though there is one I find myself specifically attracted to, I'm not going to go for it just yet. Not only are there some things that just seem wrong about it, but I also know that it could just be some devious part of my brain trying to do something stupid. I do, however, feel as though I might tell him just to get it off my chest. Sometimes, if I just tell a person how I feel, and see them react in a not-so-positive way, I don't feel that way for them anymore.
That's it for now~ heihei
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