28/5/12 - Hey!... Help!!!

I don't know why I'm writing this so early in the morning, but I suppose there won't be much going on today anyways, unless I can see my boyfriend, in which case there still wouldn't be much to blog about (sorry, Sweetie). So I've got an itty-bitty bit of a dilemma on my hands... A couple of months before school ended I decided I would go back to practicing keyboard this summer, so I could search for a new symphonic metal band to join in my junior year. But a little bit later on I decided to come out of the closet with my dream of becoming an idol (if you don't know what that is click here), and thought that I should maybe start a dance group to work with this summer, since I'm trying (maybe to more results than usual) to lose weight this summer it would be helpful to be part of a dance group, while at the same time doing what I would love and being an idol (because while there would be no flashy lights or costumes, dancing in front of people for their entertainment in the closest thing I will get to being an idol at the moment). Then, early this summer I've found a program called Game Maker which has really managed to hold my interest. It's a game making program (duh) that I've somehow managed to figure out how to work. Being a lazy 16-year-old, I can only keep up with one of these ideas at a time. And I've learned that I'm far more productive when I pace myself and take on my own damn projects one at a time.
 NOW I'm not sure what I should do. The way I look at it it would be far more productive if I finished up learning keyboard this summer (because along with that talent there are so many benefits), while working on my Game Maker project during breaks and periods of player-block (it happens. Sometimes you just can't seem to get your brain and fingers working together), then, after I find and a band and everything is said and done, later on I'll establish a dance group. I mean, it would take up a serious amount of time and effort to head a dance group, look for people to join, hold auditions, meetings (deciding on routines, creating routines, deciding on costumes and if we want them, finding places to perform, etc...), so honestly I don't know if it would be a good idea to play for a band and dance in an idol group. Thinking long term, if I made it in my band ventures (which I'm honestly not stressing about, making it big in a band is REALLY difficult and I'm not about to set myself up for disappointment by hoping), I would have a lot of free time during breaks to work with an idol group, also, if I waited until then the group could get big considering I would already have band fame. I don't think people really understand how boring and slow band life really is. People think being in a band is all rushed, with a packed schedule, but really it isn't. You have tours (which most of the time is spent traveling), and during that time most song ideas for the next album are written. It's rushed when you have multiple performances in one country, in which that is when you're having to make the decision between eating breakfast and showering due to a tight schedule. But after tours, you go back home and finish up writing for the next album and start the recording process. This is how it usually works. Then, after that, you've got anywhere from 4-8 months give or take to do whatever the hell you want at home. For me, that time would be spent working with the idol group. Now, seeing as I don't plan on having a family when I'm older, this plan works out perfectly. If I wanted to become a mother (which I don't plan on doing), then this schedule would be a big fat NO because home time would be spent at HOME with the kiddies. Good thing I don't plan on having kids.
 So yes, thanks to anyone for reading my brain puke and any help, suggestions, input, etc. would be GREATLY appreciated. This is going on my facebook so I can get ideas from my loved ones, and quite possibly support, but anyone else is free to comment. Please feel free to stop reading here, the rest of this blog is rambling junk that's floating around in my head, but still pertains to the subject... So... Yeah, do whatever.
 Well, in case you can't yet tell, I've always wanted to work in the performing industry (not so much acting or singing, though.). It's not like I'm planning on anything, I expect to have to get a regular, old job like everyone else, but I'm trying my best to build up my talents so that I could have a chance. I, personally, for no professional training at all, think I've managed to build up a decent singing voice (back up vocals and stuff). In all honesty, I'm stupid. Well, I'm creative. I'm not good at math or all the techy stuff. So, I'm kind of hoping to make something of myself in the music industry. Because I really doubt that I'll be able to get a regular job with my lack of common sense. Plus, I really think I'm cut out for the metal music industry. I would never touch drugs. Ever. I've seen the negative effects of that crap and I'm not going there. I'm low drama. I can get up and go when I need to. I don't mind being rushed. I love long car trips (I've never been on a plane but I'm sure it's no big deal), and I don't bore easily on them. I'm really good at keeping myself entertained in that case. I love messing with people. And okay, sure, I get stage fright. But I've only every had to act in front of people in little instances. Like elementary school plays and stuff. If I was doing something I was confident in, with other people up there with me, I'm sure I'd be fine. So, I'm trying. While I don't like admitting it to people, I do hope on making it up there. At the same time, I don't mind being a garage band, and I understand being "discovered" or whatever takes some time, but I've done some hard core research on this stuff. I already have two record companies lined up in case I ever make a demo. Nuclear Blast Records (which would be harder since they are a very popular record company with lots of absolutely amazing groups, and it would take a lot of talent to beat the other demo-senders), Spinefarm Records (they're not as popular but they have signed with some cool bands. They are actually really hard to get a hold of and now that there site is down I wish I'd written down their demo send-in information when I viewed the page about a year ago), and as a back up label, I honestly really don't want a contract with these guys, but when you're trying to make it out there you'll take what you can get; Fueled By Ramen. For one thing, I don't think FBR takes metal, mostly because they're a mostly American label (ew). But hey, you take what you can get. Right?

27/5/12 - Been A While, Huh?

So yeah, I haven't really been posting. Simply because I haven't had much going on. The only good thing I didn't really blog about was getting the Sonata Arctica album Stones Grow Her Name, with my father. It was an amazing day, really. He bought me a shirt, which I really didn't want him to do, but I suppose if he wanted to he might as well... Almost lost my phone that day.

  The album is amazing. I'm listening to it right now. It consists of the songs Only The Broken Hearts, Shitload O' Money, Losing My Insanity, Somewhere Close To You, I Have A Right, Alone In Heaven, Cinderblox, The Day, Don't Be Mean, Wildfire II - One With The Mountain, and Wildfire III - Wildfire Town, Population 0. It is one of those albums much like the previous, Days of Grays, album in the fact that it grows on you as you listen to it. For fans of the "old" Sonata Arctica that might be hesitant to buy the new album: JUST DO IT. It's totally worth it. It still has that original Sonata feel. Don't judge the album by the previous, it has more of an original Sonata feel than the last. Again, for those original Sonata fans, the best song on the album for me to suggest to you would be Losing My Insanity. Though I do believe this is the "cover" song of the album, it was originally written by Tony for another artists to sing.

 Moving on, today I am going out of town with my boyfriend~ This is what year-long relationships are supposed to be like. Getting along with their parents, going away with them, hanging out for ridiculously long periods of time, helping around the house. This is how it should be. And it makes me so happy : ) Well, I have to go get ready. I'll post when I get back! Love you ALL and have a fantastic day!!

17/5/12 - Greenbean Salad!

This. Is. Wonderful!!! I just made this recipe and it is really something amazing! The only thing I skipped out on was the garlic... But it was still really really great!

Aside from my adventure in the kitchen tonight, I had an absolutely amazing day in school. Very easy and very fun! I'll leave it at that for now! I'm in a great mood! G'night!~

15/5/12 - Ugh... What?

Uhm... Okay. So got my hair trimmed. Didn't get as much homework done as I would have liked. But that's okay because tomorrows' a minimum day and I can get it all done tomorrow after school. Really happy for quite some time, even though the day started off REALLY bad. My shoulder where I'm sunburned started peeling, and like a doofus I peeled it all off. But now it itches and hurts worse than it did with the dead skin ON!
 Alright... Now... I don't know. My boyfriend and I (of a little over one year now) have been kinda dreaming, a little jokingly, about us moving in together out of high school We both know it's childish and stupid to make these sorts of plans when we're only teenagers, so we don't get all into it. We just sort of, dream. Ya know? Well, he just told me that instead he wants to move to Valencia with his friend as soon as he gets out of high school ): I understand that he will have to do what is best for his future and what will benefit him most, so I don't know why I feel like crying now, but I do... I don't want to feel this way. I want him to do what is best for HIM! So... Why am I getting all shaky and heart-broken? It's not like our little daydreams where actual plans, and sure I was kinda really looking forward to bringing the dreams to life some day... But I understand that they were highly unlikely to come true, sooo... I don't know. I just don't know. I want to be happy for him, but for some reason I can't.
 We're having a party in my Geometry class tomorrow. All the food sounds really yummy. I'm bringing a bag of hot cheetos by request of about three other students in the class plus myself :3 I'm hoping it will be a lot of fun!

Koi~koi~koi!

14/5/12

SO overloaded with end-of-the-schoolyear homework. I have three reading assignments with assessment questions for English, a 46 point "practice" (If you ask me, I don't think we should be calling it a practice packet unless it's optional) packet in Spanish, a project in World History in which I have to define about 50 or so (probably more) history terms, THEN make a timeline for more specific terms, then I have to get my community service all completed and signed by my "supervisor" (actually, I'm just getting my boyfriend to sign it), and just today I crossed making a practice test for English off my list. Ya know, as if studying for Finals wasn't enough. All this work is going to make me NOT want to study...
 Anyways, summer is only a few more days away, and with the release of a new Sonata Arctica album coming soon, I can't complain. I suppose I'll just have to grit my teeth and power through it, because my under-achieving ass isn't used to all this work!
 Ya know, I realize that having a Junior boyfriend, I often forget I'm only a Sophomore. That being said, I often stress far too much over my plans for once I get out of highschool. Go figure \._./ I should pay someone to slap me into reality occasionally.
Brohoof! XD

11/5/12

It's been a while... But I've needed to get myself in check. And now I'm doing a lot better. The end of the year is coming up and I PASSED MY CAHSEE!!! Even the math! Which I was sure I failed!

:D Aside from that I'm super excited that I'm going to get the new Sonata Arctica album the day it comes out at the mall with my father! I don't see him often so, I'm really excited. We have a lot in common for never seeing eachother!

Click for Henkka SEXYNESS!!!

3/5/12

Well, I'm doing a little better than I was yesterday, but I feel like someone replaced my heart with a bag of bricks. I feel heavy, and there's a pain in my chest coming from an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I don't know why I can't shake this. There's so much good coming. But... There's so much bad coming, too. And the bad can't be forgotten because it will forever effect my future and there is nothing I can do about it.
 Anyways, sorry to start off the new month with all this negativity. I'm trying to shake it. Nothing really interesting happened today. It was a minimum day in school, and I didn't do all that I wanted to do with my free time. But I felt like I needed to post something showing that I'm doing a little bit better than I was yesterday. So here ya go (whoever "you" is).

Nightcore - Anima Libera

2/5/12 - X

*sigh* life is too much sometimes, really. But not so much in a sense that I want to end it. Just in the sense that it is brutal and cruel. People say that God wouldn't put you through what you couldn't handle. Well, if God exists then, maybe does he put sinners through a little more than what is healthy as punishment? Or as his sick way of  "opening people's eyes" to faith in him? I can understand that much... And it makes so much sense.
 If there really is a god, because my faith does waver, then why? Why does he put us through all these terrible things that we can't handle? I know no one reading this blog can possibly answer these questions, but what else is there to do but ask?
 I feel tormented. I feel like a toy. I feel laughed at. And not by human people. I feel like God's thing. I feel like my future, my feelings, they're all controlled by a dominant out-of-world entity. I am this entity's play thing. It alters my future like a game and watches me suffer for it's own entertainment. I cannot control the most precious of relationships, I have no say. My life is the complex console game that this thing never tieres of playing. Entertained and satisfied by my complexity and drama.
 I don't know what to do anymore. Everythings' slowly spinning out of control, like a slow motion car crash in a really bad movie. I would list all my problems here, but I fear these things are far too personal.
 No one can help. No one can do anything. My family is falling apart for the stupidest reasons. I have no friends. No life outside of cyberspace. I am the most willing shoulder for your tears but I lack the advice to make anything easier on you. I have no talent. I'm not smart. Everything piles up and now I feel like a waste of resources. I don't deserve the air I breathe, the food I eat, the space I live in, the materials for my education, the time of the many doctors and dentists I've visited, the taxes spent on my education are a waste of this country's money. But I can't do anything about it. Life is too glorious to end it. Even to the lowest thing on the face of Earth. Life is too glorious, because what is after life? Nothing. Darkness. You can lie to yourself with religion all you want, but if you put aside your silly little imagination for a minute you'll soon realize that you are being stupid. There cannot be anything after death. There is nothing magical, there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING after life. Your heart gives out, your electrical current stops, your organs shut down. You are dead. There is nothing else inside. And nothing leaves.