*sigh* life is too much sometimes, really. But not so much in a sense that I want to end it. Just in the sense that it is brutal and cruel. People say that God wouldn't put you through what you couldn't handle. Well, if God exists then, maybe does he put sinners through a little more than what is healthy as punishment? Or as his sick way of "opening people's eyes" to faith in him? I can understand that much... And it makes so much sense.
If there really is a god, because my faith does waver, then why? Why does he put us through all these terrible things that we can't handle? I know no one reading this blog can possibly answer these questions, but what else is there to do but ask?
I feel tormented. I feel like a toy. I feel laughed at. And not by human people. I feel like God's thing. I feel like my future, my feelings, they're all controlled by a dominant out-of-world entity. I am this entity's play thing. It alters my future like a game and watches me suffer for it's own entertainment. I cannot control the most precious of relationships, I have no say. My life is the complex console game that this thing never tieres of playing. Entertained and satisfied by my complexity and drama.
I don't know what to do anymore. Everythings' slowly spinning out of control, like a slow motion car crash in a really bad movie. I would list all my problems here, but I fear these things are far too personal.
No one can help. No one can do anything. My family is falling apart for the stupidest reasons. I have no friends. No life outside of cyberspace. I am the most willing shoulder for your tears but I lack the advice to make anything easier on you. I have no talent. I'm not smart. Everything piles up and now I feel like a waste of resources. I don't deserve the air I breathe, the food I eat, the space I live in, the materials for my education, the time of the many doctors and dentists I've visited, the taxes spent on my education are a waste of this country's money. But I can't do anything about it. Life is too glorious to end it. Even to the lowest thing on the face of Earth. Life is too glorious, because what is after life? Nothing. Darkness. You can lie to yourself with religion all you want, but if you put aside your silly little imagination for a minute you'll soon realize that you are being stupid. There cannot be anything after death. There is nothing magical, there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING after life. Your heart gives out, your electrical current stops, your organs shut down. You are dead. There is nothing else inside. And nothing leaves.
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